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What's Not Said

by Kayla Thomas

For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.

Isaiah 41:13

Hello, ladies! Let me introduce myself. My name is Kayla Thomas. I have been very happily married to the man of dreams for 12 wonderful years and we have 5 beautiful, crazy children. I say all of that to give you a little background so you can see where I am coming from.

Three years ago, my life came to a crazy, yet wonderful turn in the road. I was expecting to go in for a no big deal ultrasound and I left realizing that I was not expecting baby #4, as I had originally thought, but rather babies four and five. Talk about speechless! I was by myself; remember this was going to be a “no big deal ultrasound” and then in an instant my idea of life changed. I had always wanted four children, a house in the woods, a dog, and then out of nowhere, my plans changed.  I don’t know about you but I love a good plan and mine had just changed. I was not sure if I was capable of handling the crazy that was about to happen in my life. I knew that not just life, but everything as I knew it was about to change. Let me pause for a second to say that every time you become a mother, whether it is your first baby or your fifth, things are about to change. So back to my story. On the outside I may have looked like I was handling it well but, on the inside, I was terrified! How was I going to manage twins AND keep up with the other three? I love my mother but it wasn’t like she was going to be able to move in with me. Have you ever heard the phrase “trial by fire"? That's what this was for me. I wasn’t sure if I would survive but I was going to give it all I had. The twins will turn three in March, and there have been times when I thought the fire would consume me. There are so many things that are not said out loud when you’re a mom.

What is “not said” is that you will feel exhausted. You will wake up in the middle of the night, and you may not be able to go back to sleep. You will give ALL that you have, ALL day long! Just so your family can eat, sleep, and be clothed. You will go to bed knowing that tomorrow it will start all over again and will be the same as today.  

What is “not said” is that giving 100% of your love, energy, freedom, and abilities to your family empties you. As a mom refilling your “giving tank” is hard. You give from your reserve, you give from every crevice of your heart without always hearing or feeling like it matters to anyone. Ministry mommas, you give that 100% to your kiddos but also to your ministry, sometimes having to sacrifice things that break your heart because you just cannot do everything.

What is “not said” is that your value of yourself falters. You give your body to create these beautiful children. You struggle with what you see in the mirror. Exhaustion makes it hard to handle the stress, which causes self-doubt, fear, and the feeling of not being good enough to rise to the surface. It causes depression, causing you to hear and think things that are not even real or even being said about you. Your self-worth falters.

What is “not said” is that you are not the same as the other mothers you see at church, school, or even your mom. You see them walk into church with perfect angels and yours have acted like they had sugar for lunch! All the projects at school that you have thrown together the night before that look like Pinterest fails compared to the others. The store-bought snacks because you didn’t have time to make anything. Growing up with your mom always having things perfect, you don’t remember her ever feeling overwhelmed. She was way better at this Mom thing.

​ I know these may be extreme, but I want you to realize that the “What is Not Said’s” takes up so much room in our minds. They drag us to dark places. They hurt you and those around you. They live in the corners of your mind, depressing you, pulling you from your devotions, isolating you, causing you to question the “Why” in motherhood. The “What is not Said’s” keep you from being the mother God created you be. You are not alone! You are not the only person who has felt this at some time or another. As a mother, I struggle every day with one or all of these thoughts. I have had to learn to trust God. Everyday handing him my fears, letting him have the things I have no control over. I am far from perfect and sometimes I struggle handing these over. I want to wear them as a badge of honor for motherhood. Sometimes I wrestle with the idea that I have to prove that I am supermom and that I am worthy of the love of my family. I had to realize I can't. I can’t fight all these thoughts, emotions, and fears and still be the mother to my children and the wife to my husband that I need to be. Trying to hold tight to all things not said. I may not have control over being up all night but I can let the laundry wait till tomorrow so I can rest. I can ask for help...Oh no! I have gone and done it know. That's right I said it, ask for help! No, it is not easy, and sometimes it makes you feel like you are waving the white flag, but don’t forget supermoms are humans too.

I can take personal time, so I am ready to give again the next day. To give the way God wants you to in your ministry or to your family you must have something to give! That means you must have a “personal time” routine. A longer devotion time, going to the grocery store by yourself, the gym or shopping, just something to let your mind reset. This takes me to self-worth. As women we tend to punish ourselves. I am so guilty of this.  We are not the weight we want to be, we are stressing because life has decided to rain down like a flood trying to drown us where we stand. We look in the mirror and we see every failure, every imperfection, and every area that is not like that supermom vision of ourselves. One day I told my husband about this and how I felt and the next morning I woke up to a sticky note telling me, what he sees when he looks at me. Every morning I would wake up to a new note. I would look in the mirror and start to doubt, and then I would read one of those sticky notes and realize there is more to myself than just what I see. Find ways to see yourself the way your spouse, your children, and God sees you!

To see yourself the way God sees you, you cannot compare yourself to others. If God wanted your children to have that mom that you compare yourself to, He would have made her your children's mom. Don’t fall into the “comparison game” because I promise the only person who gets hurt is you.

We are uniquely and wonderfully made. Grab ahold of what God created and live it to your best ability. That may not be DIY mom, make it from scratch mom, entrepreneur mom, or Instagram perfect mom but you are the mom that God created.

It has taken me three years to realize that I more than what I see in myself, and more than what others see. Three years to realize that I am not like everyone else. Three years to give God what's not said. Three years to learn that asking my husband and asking God for help was not a sign of failure. Three years of carrying the burden of making it look like I had it all together. Three years to realize that every day I needed to wake up and let God carry my burdens. That does not mean I don’t try to pick them back up some days, but it means that I am learning that Supermom is more than the “what is not said” it is what God says. When he said, “who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies”, take Him at His word.

Momma you are valued, you are loved, you are appreciated, you are amazing. God put you in your children's lives for a reason.

You may not see the “why” now but do not fog the glass on God's plan with the “Not Said” and start living what He says.

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